"There's something wrong here... or my name is Jose Santos de Guatemala! And it's not!"
— Courage, Courage the Cowardly Dog
A stock phrase used as a "guarantee" that something is or will be true. The idea is the person is so sure of it, he will bet his name on it, which may have grown out of the belief that names have power. Occasionally played for irony if the speaker is using a false name, in which case, they will follow by saying "and it isn't." Also used in variations of "If this isn't true (or won't happen), my name will be [specific other name]", often involving an uncool or unfortunate name.
May be used as a handy way of having a new character provide his name if he otherwise would have no reason to do so.
Examples:
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Advertising
- Edward Woodward did this ad
for Craft wood (a brand of fibreboard) which ends with the immortal line:
Craftwood would where wood wouldn't, or my name isn't...Edward Woodward. - Orville Redenbacher popcorn commercials: "You'll taste the difference, or my name isn't Orville Redenbacher."
- At least two 1979 Smokey Bear radio public service announcements had the titular bear at the end saying "And that's the truth, or my name isn't Smokey Bear."
- "Victory by Computer": Lex Luthor declaring that he is about to escape from prison thanks to Superman drives the latter to check that his cell is still safe, prompting the next dialogue:
Superman: "All the defense mechanisms I installed are still intact! We can relax, Warden!"
Lex Luthor: "Don't relax too much, Superman...unless you are naive enough after all these years to believe that Lex Luthor makes threats he cannot keep! I said you would personally free me from this cell later today...and free me today you shall— Or my name isn't Lex Luthor!"
Asian Animation
- Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: In Great War in the Bizarre World episode 27, Wolffy phrases it slightly differently when he's run out of matches to light the fire below the cauldron he intends to cook Paddi in. Paddi laughs at his misfortune and Wolffy tells him that "If I don't think of something, my name's not Wolffy!"
Comic Books
- The Batman Adventures: A visiting Doctor from Dusseldorf brags that the newly-arrived patient "vill be completely cured in one week" or his name isn't Heinrick Heimlich. It isn't. "Dr. Heimlich" is Harley in disguise.
- Eugene Photomas from Paperinik New Adventures couldn't finish this sentence because he forgot his name.
- From issue #5 of Simpsons Comics:
Radioactive Man: I'll restore order to Springfield, or my name isn't Claude Kane III! ...Er, which it isn't, of course! [thinking] Whew! Almost revealed my secret identity!
Bartman: Hmmm... I wonder if I should tell RM that, thanks to reading his comics, I know all his secrets! - Scooby-Doo! Team-Up: In "Just Plane Scared" Dick says Operation: Read All About It will succeed or his name isn't Dick Dastardly. Zilly asks what they should call him.
- Tintin: The "Tintin in America" album has this line used twice by hostile people, as depicted in the page image is the gangster Pietro. The French version was "As true as my name is X, I'll [get him]!"
Fan Works
- The Betting Men:
Hermione: AS FOR YOU, SEAMUS FINNIGAN! I WILL HAVE WORDS WITH HANNAH, I PROMISE YOU! IF I DON'T GET YOU BANNED FROM THE LEAKY CAULDRON FOR LIFE, MY NAME IS NOT HERMIONE JEAN GRANGER-WEASLEY!
- The Cloak and Dagger:
Tom: You'll return?
Harry: Of course I will. Or my name isn't Harry Potter. - In Deranged and Wrong Bellatrix Lestrange turns out to be alive.
Mrs. Weasley: If I don't kill her this time my name isn't Molly Weasley!
- Granny Morgaine:
Sir Brian: I will make sure you all learn how to not make a fool of you and Camelot, as sure as I am Sir Brian.
- In Harry Potter and the Scĭenra Cwĕna Harry asks for help with summoning charms in preparation for the First Task of the Triwizard Tournament.
Hermione: He'll summon the Firebolt or my name's not Hermione Granger.
- Jinxing the Unforgivables:
Dumbledore: Come in Harry, my boy.
Harry: Now I know the next words I am going to jinx. He'll stop calling me 'my boy' or my name isn't Harry Potter. - Letters Between Us:
Hermione: I was a bit in denial, at first. What if... what if you only thought you loved me? We're only sixteen—well, fifteen for me—how do you know it's not just some passing fancy?
Harry: It's not! I know I love you—it's as sure and real as the fact that my name's Harry Potter! - Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami: Characters repeatedly say this, which gets L into trouble because he accidentally reaveals his real name this way.
- Lord Black's resurgence, redemption and revenge:
Sirius: I may be late to the party, Harry; but I swear to you I'll make everything right for you. Or my name isn't Sirius Orion Black the biggest S.O.B. these rat bastards have no idea who they're messing with.
- Lost and Found:
Harry: I want to go home! Please?
McGonagall: Nonsense, Harry. You won't be going back to those Muggles or my name isn't Minerva McGonagall. - A New Take on Harry Potter:
Alyssa: Minerva warned [Dumbledore], but he didn't even listen to his Deputy. Well, there is no way I am leaving this little boy to be abused by the animals that live in that house, or my name isn't Alyssa Snape.
- One Wizarding Summer:
Moody: Now, stand back, boys...Kreacher, I'll be taking that locket, and I'll find a way to destroy it or my names not Alastor Moody!
- Quiet:
Harry: You just wait, Snape. You'll be out of [Azkaban] by New Years or my name isn't Harry James Potter.
- Return to Prince Manor:
Nesmay: I'm sorry. It's because of me we're in this mess.
Draco: Now don't try and take all the credit, Nessie. Harry and I were getting into trouble like this long before we met you. Ask anyone. It's really Jarillion's fault, for not taking no for an answer and being a prick. Which is something he's going to regret, or my name's not Draco. - In Revelations Tracey starts venting about Harry's situation without realizing he's the one she's talking to.
Harry: If he was here what would you say?
Tracey: I would tell him to beware of the youngest Weasleys, Granger and Dumbledore. That, and I wish I could be with him and help him to become the warrior he should have been, but Slytherins are not thought of in a good light thanks to many people. As sure as my name is Tracey Davis, I'd try to help his as soon as possible. - Three Black Birds:
Harry: You don't know Tom like I do. You know Dad gave him the Invisibility Cloak?
Daphne: But I thought the oldest—
Harry: The oldest is meant to get it, you're right. But that's not the point. The point is that Tom has the Cloak and not much respect for anyone besides himself. He's going to get in trouble as sure as — as — I don't know, as sure as my name is Harry. - When Life Gets Hard:
Remus: You'll be fine Harry or my name is not Remus J Lupin.
- A Witch With A Righteous Anger:
Ragnok: Do you mean Heir Potter that you know nothing about your birth right?
Harry: No sir. Until I received my Hogwarts letter, I never knew my father's name and I never saw a picture of my father or mother until Christmas that year when Hagrid gave me a photo album with their picture.
Andromeda: I'll burn [Dumbledore's] whiskers from his head, or my birth name wasn't Andromeda Black!
Films — Animated
- The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh renders this as "Or my name isn't Winnie the Pooh! ... Which it is."
- My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Spring Breakdown: Rainbow Dash apparently says this a lot offscreen, as revealed by a loudmouthed parrot that first blurts out that Rainbow went into a dark jungle, then exposes an embarrassing comment she made, both times rebutting the already-implausible possibility that someone else said those things by adding "or my name isn't Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow Dash: Ugh... gotta stop saying my name all the time.
- Honest John from Pinocchio (1940):
Honest John: If we play our cards right, we'll be on Easy Street, or my name isn't Honest John.
- Scooby-Doo! and the Reluctant Werewolf: Played for laughs:
Brunchy: We'll get your werewolf tomorrow night or our name isn't the Hunch Bunch.
Dracula: You had better or your name will be mud, or maybe even blood.
Films — Live-Action
- The Banana Splits In Hocus Pocus Park''. Drooper responds who Fleagle would be.
- In the TV movie Den Brother:
Dina Reams: And one last thing, Mrs. Zamboni—watch Alex Pearson closely. I don't trust him.
Alex Pearson: [as Mrs. Zamboni] D-don't trust Alex? Why, that's absurd. The sweet lad is as honest as the day is long, or my name isn't Edna Mae Zamboni. - Dirty Rotten Scoundrels combines this with Punctuated Pounding: "Or my name isn't Doctor! Emil! Shaffhausen! The Third!" The joke being that the man is a con artist so that really isn't his name.
- The Front Page (1974):
Walter Burns: [after unsuccessfully posing as probation officer Otto Fishbein] Tell Hildy I wish him all the luck in the world, and I mean it, or my name isn't Otto Fishbein.
- Macao (1952):
Lawrence C. Trumble: I'll go back one of these days, or my name isn't Lawrence C. Trumble.
- Mary Poppins:
Mary Poppins: [watching Bert, Albert, Jane and Michael laugh together on the ceiling] Why, it's the most disgraceful sight I've ever seen, or my name isn't Mary Poppins.
- Raising Arizona: Nathan Arizonanote is a furniture chain store proprietor whose slogan is "If you can find a better deal, my name ain't Nathan Arizona!"
Literature
- The Gun Seller: In Chapter 1, the first-person narrator introduces himself to a woman as James Fincham. Later in the narration, he uses the phrase "...then my name isn't James Fincham. Which, of course, it isn't", which is the first indication the reader has that he lied.
- In Life, the Universe and Everything, the being that is continually reincarnating and being killed by Arthur Dent says that if this is all a coincidence then its name isn't Agrajag. Arthur then checks if its name is actually Agrajag, and when it confirms this, says it's still a coincidence.
- Mary Russell: In one book, Russell insists she'll do something "as sure as my mother's name is Mary McCarthy." Subverted when Holmes makes her point out that her mother's name was actually Judith Klein.
- In The Science of Discworld, Ridcully, studying the problem of giving the Roundworld a sun, says, "We'll soon have his little world all warm, or my name's not Mustrum Ridcully." The Dean spends the first few paragraphs of the next chapter calling him things like "Mappin Winterly" or "Charlie Grinder".
- Played with in Lawrence Block's Tanner's Tiger. The helicopter pilot Evan convinced to help him chase some Cuban kidnappers starts to say this, but is interrupted before mentioning his name. He eventually sheepishly admits to being called James Francis Xavier Corrigan.
Live-Action TV
- Acropolis Now episode "Jobs for the Girls"
Effie Stephanidis: All right, we'll do it. Sophie and me will get a job or my name isn't...Sophie: Effie Stephanidis.Effie: Ezactly!
- An episode of The Golden Girls has the women crashing a class reunion and picking up random nametags of no-shows to wear. While Dorothy is skeptical about it working, Rose says as she picks up and examines her own tag "This plan will work, or my name isn't Kim Fung Toi!"
- In the I Love Lucy episode "The Ballet," Lucy says, "I'm gonna get into that show or my name isn't Lucy Ricardo."
- In the Remington Steele episode "Steele Belted":
Remington Steele: I guarantee your exoneration on all charges, Buddy, or my name isn't Remington Steele.Laura Holt: Your name isn't Remington Steele.Remington: A mere technicality.
- Jim Henson's Easter Special The Tale of the Bunny Picnic has the titular bunnies being stalked by a dog owned by a cruel farmer. The dog is nameless, and hopes to earn a name by catching the bunnies. A Running Gag has him saying things like "I'll get that bunny or my name's not... my name's not... whatever it is."
Music
- Played with in the King Missile song "Monks":
Those monks receive divine grace or my name isn't...whatever my name is.
Radio
- During his time as a BBC Radio 1 DJ, Kenny Everett once did a promo that ended "...or my name isn't Maurice Cole". The hidden joke being that his real name actually was Maurice Cole, but most of the listeners wouldn't have known that.
Theatre
- Inverted in Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado: the song "Tit-Willow" features the line, "Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name isn't Willow Tit-Willow Tit-Willow..."
Video Games
- In the Back to the Future point-and-click series, Marty sets up this line and Emmett finishes it for him. Good thing he did, too—Marty was using an alias and was presumably about to accidentally call himself by his real name.
- In Elite Beat Agents, newscaster Sofie Hudson, faced with either having to disappoint her son with the news that it'll rain on her off day or lie to everyone by saying that it'll be sunny instead, decides to go with the latter and then use this trope to claim that she'll do anything to make it happen, which is the basis for the "September" mission.
- Heroes of Hellas 3: Athens:
Athena: [Ares]'s going to get what's coming to him, or my name isn't Athena.
- In Homescapes Austin starts doubting himself after some intense training for the Ultraman competition, only to be cheered up by participating in a dance class with Katherine.
Austin: And I'll run the Ultraman, or my name isn't Austin!
- The LEGO Movie Videogame: Parodied in the mission "Put the Thing on the Thing". When Vitruvius asks Batman if he can use his grapple gun to topple the Giant Micro Manager, Batman responds with "As sure as my name's Batman." Vitruvius tells him it's technically not.
- Played for laughs in Abe's Exoddus, where the character using the phrase, Dripik, has a Running Gag of not being able to remember his own name:
Dripik: We'll have that traitor Abe in no time! Or my name ain't... uh...Mudoken: Dripik, sir.Dripik: ...Dripik! I knew that...
- Used in Professor Layton's London Life, the sprite RPG packaged with some versions of Professor Layton and the Last Specter. When Luke discovers that Flora has been kidnapped, he furiously declares that he will make the person responsible "pay dearly, or my name isn't Luke Triton!"
- Punch-Out!!: One of Bald Bull's between-round lines in Title Defense is this.
"Ben de onun kemiklerini çatır çutur kırmassam bana da 'Bald Bull' demesinler!"Translation
- In the Sega Genesis version of Shadowrun, after you get corporate badges from Max, he says, "These babies are guaranteed to work or my name ain't Max."
- Parodied in Tin Star at some point on Thursday:
Mo: [about Black Bart's mooks] They got away, Tin Star!
Tin Star: Not for long. We'll have those varmints in the hoosegow afore sun up or my name isn't Gary Cooper.
Mo: Er.... It isn't.
Visual Novels
- In case 4 of Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth, we get this:
Edgeworth: [inner monologue] (Mr. von Karma... I swear to uphold your honorable name, or my name isn't Miles Edgeworth!)
- Ace Attorney Investigations 2: Prosecutor's Gambit: In the official localization of Case 4, we get this:
Hart: Yer kiddin' me, right? Them folks was talkin' crime-related turkey, or my name ain't Lotta danged Hart!
- And another one in Case 5, when Edgeworth and Kay need to take a look around the crime scene:
Hart: [gets infuriated] Don't nobody need to do no lookin' around! I done told y'all who did this! It was Taurusaurus, or my name ain't Lotta Hart!
- Still another one in the same case, when Lotta asks Shaun Fenn about the "GIANT! MONSTER! FOOTPRINT!":
Shaun: ...On the set of a giant monster movie. It's not like there isn't all kinds of other weird stuff around here.
Lloyd: I don't buy it for a second! Chief, there's somethin' hinky about this kid, sure as I'm standin' right here!
Hart: Danged skippy there is! He's hidin' a scoop under them there horns, or my name ain't Lotta Hart!
- Ace Attorney Investigations 2: Prosecutor's Gambit: In the official localization of Case 4, we get this:
- In case 2 of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Dual Destinies, Detective Bobby Fulbright says, "My investigations are as thorough as they are foolproof, or my name isn't Fulbright!" His investigations aren't thorough or foolproof. Also, his name isn't Fulbright. He's an international spy who Killed and Replaced the real Fulbright years ago, and the Big Bad of the game.
Web Animation
- In the Homestar Runner short "Senorial Day", Bubs' commercial for "Bubsotathon" boasts "You'll save like a demon, or my name ain't Bubs Concession Stand!" He even pulls out a (suspended) ID card to demonstrate that his name apparently is "Bubs C. Stand".
- Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles episode "Silver Linings":
Capt. Butch Flowers: Now, I know you're worried about our mission, but I can tell you this—there's nothing more important to me than the safety and well-being of my men. Or my name isn't Captain... Butch... Flowers.
- And at the end of Season 12...
Lt. Smith: Thank you, captain! I'll remember this 'till the day I die. Or my name isn't John Elizabeth Andersmith!
Tucker: Oh, God, is it?
- And at the end of Season 12...
- Ultra Fast Pony: The episode "Derp and Destruction" references the fact that, in the original series, the character in question had her name retconned out of existence:
Derpy: Or my name isn't—and maybe it isn't—Derpy Hooves!
- In "Stranger than Fan Fiction", Rarity, being the terrible actress that she is, keeps reading Fluttershy's lines by mistake. She's oblivious to the fact that they're obviously not her lines (and that she's interrupting Fluttershy's reading of the same lines), and she reads off "…or my name isn't Fluttershy!" without missing a beat.
Webcomics
- In DMFA, Abel uses this line when shapeshifted as Merlitz:
Abel: You bet! Or my name isn't Merlitz!
Western Animation
- From the Bozo: The World's Most Famous Clown episode "Horse Thief Grief":
I'll corral that horse or my name isn't Big Shorty!
- CatDog: Cliff vows on one episode to get the title characters, or his name isn't Cliff. His friend Lube replies, "Then what should we call ya?"
- A Running Gag in the earlier episodes of Courage the Cowardly Dog. Example:
Courage: There's something wrong here, or my name's Archibald... And it's not!
- His name also isn't Shirley, Aloysius, Jose Santos de Guatemala, Schlinkenhoffer, Ivana, or, thank goodness, Stinky Lulu.
- Danger Mouse had this in "Chicken Run" after a growth formula is stolen:
D.M.: [talking to Colonel K] Don't worry, sir. We'll get it back or my name isn't Danger Mouse.Penfold: Um... isn't it?D.M. [whispering testily] Of course it is!
- In the Darkwing Duck episode "Darkly Dawns the Duck", Launchpad beats up Darkwing (who he thinks is an intruder), yelling, "Nobody messes with the airplanes in my hangar, or my name isn't Launchpad McQuack!"
- Dastardly & Muttley in Their Flying Machines: Dick Dastardly invokes this in "Ceiling Zero Zero" after the narrator starts a "umpteenth time" running gag:
Dastardly: This is the umpteenth and one time, but we'll catch that pigeon or my name isn't Dick Dastardly!
- Two instances on The Dick Tracy Show:
- From the debut episode "Red Hot Riding Hoods":
We're being tailed or my name isn't B.B. Eyes!- From "Two Heels on Wheels":
That looks like a copper chopper or my name isn't Stooge Viller! - Played for laughs and fourth-wall breaking in a Dudley Do-Right short:
Snidely Whiplash (previously introduced in a title card as "Played by Larry Sabu") So they're short on mounties, eh? Well I'll fill their ranks or my name isn't Larry Sabu!
Narrator: I beg your pardon, Mr. Sabu, but in this picture you're playing Snidely Whiplash.
Snidley (emerging from behind a tree wearing tennis togs): You play Snidely Whiplash. I played him yesterday and he beat me, six love! - Played with in the Garfield and Friends episode "Mistakes Will Happen" (in which mistakes of all kinds are made):
Jon Arbuckle: [referring to Garfield and Odie] This will scare the pants off those three, or my name isn't June Arburkle!note
- Another episode has Jon vowing to take care of someone who's been literally slinging mud, or his name is "mud". He returns, unsuccessful.
Jon: [with mud on his face] Hello, my name is mud.Garfield: We were expecting you.
- Another episode has Jon vowing to take care of someone who's been literally slinging mud, or his name is "mud". He returns, unsuccessful.
- Subverted in the Looney Tunes short "To Duck Or Not To Duck".
You know, there's something awfully screwy about this fight, or my name isn't Larrimore... and it isn't.
- Yosemite Sam uses this a lot as well. Example (from "Big House Bunny"):
Sam: You'll do 50 years, or my name ain't Sam Schultz!
- Yosemite Sam again, in "Mutiny On the Bunny":
Sam: I'm a-sailin' with the tide or my name ain't Shanghai Sam! [Beat] And it is.
- In "The Great Piggy Bank Robbery":
Duck Twacy: I'm gonna pin it on ya, see? I'm gonna pin it on ya!
[reveal that he's addressing a "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" picture]
Duck Twacy: I'll pin it on ya or my name ain't Duck Twacy.
- Yosemite Sam uses this a lot as well. Example (from "Big House Bunny"):
- The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh: At least two episodes had Pooh say, "...or my name isn't Winnie the Pooh! Which it is..."
- The New Scooby-Doo Movies episode "The Secret of Shark Island".
Sonny Bono: But this is our delayed honeymoon. You should be enjoying it.Cher: I am enjoying it, or my name isn't Barbra Streisand.Sonny: Your name isn't Barbra Streisand.Cher: You catch on fast, big boy.
- Quack Pack: Daisy uses "Or my name isn't Daisy Duck"... while pretending to be someone else. Whoops.
- Rick and Morty mocks the trope in the episode "Big Trouble in Little Sanchez". During the climax, Beth is forced into using a machine that creates clones of the user's spouse. The machine automatically mutates the clones differently from the real deal, to match how the user currently perceives that person. Her husband Jerry fights through a horde in an attempt to save her, and Beth notices he's uncharacteristically competent at it, causing the clones to come out as hulking fighters that assist him. Jerry notices this, and attempts to keep the clones coming by dramatically declaring that he will rescue her, ending it with "...or my name isn't Jerry Smith!". This just annoys Beth, causing the machine to make regular Jerrys who wear shirts with their own faces on them and do nothing but walk around saying "Hi, I'm Jerry Smith!"
- The season one finale to Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated has Scooby delivering a badass one of these to Professor Pericles.
Scooby: I'll get the gang back together, Pericles! We'll be coming for you, or my name isn't... SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO!
- The Simpsons episode "Simpsons Christmas Stories":
Grampa: We'll get you up and running again or my name isn't Young Grampa Simpson.
- One episode of TaleSpin featured a character named Ace London who often used this phrase, but he'd get cut off.
Ace London: ...or my name's not—Crowd: Ace London!Ace: You got that right.
- On Total Drama Action, Harold does this to reveal that his full name is Harold Norbert Cheever Doris McGrady V.
Real Life
- At age 62, Wyatt Earp once solved a confrontation by walking out of his tent, firing a rifle into the ground, and saying, "Back off or I'll blow you apart, or my name is not Wyatt Earp."
- During World War II in Nazi Germany, Hermann Göring once boasted "No enemy bomber can reach the Ruhr. If one reaches the Ruhr, my name is not Goering. You may call me Meyer". Needless to say, German people started mockingly calling this afterwards when the Air War began over Germany.
- Paradox Interactive had fun by using the quote in a loading screen for Hearts of Iron 4 and attributing it to Hermann Meyer.
