Supporting someone with a chronic condition starts with listening and empathy. Each person has a different experience, so listening to their unique perspective is important.
Some people have chronic conditions that may prevent them from doing certain activities. In others, chronic conditions have a less visible impact, but they may still change how a person sees themselves or their future.
In this article, we explore how people can support those with chronic conditions, including what to say, what to avoid, and types of support that can help.
A chronic condition is any condition that lasts
Having a chronic condition can look very different from person to person. Not only is there a huge range of chronic conditions, but each one can affect people differently.
Even if a condition is not severe or life threatening, it can substantially affect a person’s life. For some, a diagnosis can cause shock, fear, anger, or grief due to a loss of health or independence.
Because of this, it is best to avoid making assumptions about how a chronic condition affects someone, physically or emotionally.
Instead, people can learn about the condition and listen to the person to understand their perspective. It is essential to:
- Research the condition: People with chronic conditions often find themselves teaching others about their condition, which can be repetitive. Doing some basic research can reduce how much they have to explain.
- Ask open-ended questions: If a person mentions they have a chronic condition, open-ended questions can allow them to explain their personal experience. For example, a person might ask, “How does it affect you?”
- Unlearn myths: Myths about certain conditions, as well as chronic illness in general, are very common. For example, some people assume people can “push through” chronic conditions or that all chronic conditions are the individual’s “fault.” Learn to identify and avoid these misconceptions.
Lorenzo’s story
“It is very different being in a relationship with someone with a chronic condition than with someone who doesn’t have one. I learned about Katy’s condition and the way it affects her personally, and how even that has evolved over time.
Every day can be different, so I never assume anything, but just by being with her, caring for her, and noticing her experiences (as you would do with anyone with love), I’ve been able to understand little ways to help.”
Emotional support can be invaluable for people with chronic conditions. According to the Mental Health Foundation in the United Kingdom, people with chronic conditions are more likely to experience:
- isolation
- low self-esteem
- stigma or discrimination
- mental health conditions
Emotional support and companionship can help with this, and may even
The goal is not to make all negative feelings disappear, but to help people feel seen and connected to others. Do:
Check in regularly
Ask how the person is doing. This can be a good way to initiate a conversation, allowing the other person to talk about their condition if they want to.
However, this question also gives them the option of discussing other topics. Follow their lead — if they seem reluctant or want to talk about different things, let them.
Practice active listening
Active listening means paying full attention to the conversation and showing empathy. People
- giving a person their full attention
- allowing them as much time as they need to talk
- listening for the intended meaning
- withholding judgment, so they can express whatever feelings they have freely
- summarizing or expanding on what they have said to show understanding
- asking follow-up questions
Hearing about a loved one’s experiences may be difficult, so people may need to manage their own emotions during the conversation.
Ask before giving advice
Trying to solve someone’s problems can be tempting, especially when a person is worried for them.
However, it is important to remember that chronic conditions can be complex, and what works for one person does not always work for another.
If someone is unsure, they can ask, “Would you like advice, or do you just want to talk?”
Katy’s story
“It can feel damaging when people think they know more about the condition than I do, even if it shows a willingness on their part to research it or share their own knowledge in an attempt to help. Conditions affect everyone differently, so sometimes just listening is the best thing you can do.”
Give compassion and encouragement
Chronic conditions can be demanding in terms of time, energy, and money. People may have to make major changes to their diet or lifestyle, give up things they love, or work harder to do things others take for granted.
Try to keep this in mind and offer words of support or encouragement. For example, a person could:
- celebrate a treatment milestone
- praise a person’s resilience
- remind them they are doing the best they can
- tell them they are proud of them
Katy’s story
“Emotional help has been the biggest help for me. Sometimes due to the nature of my condition, I struggle with feeling powerless, weak, or even unproductive. Lorenzo reminds me that I’m doing OK and have other strengths and a different guardrail than most people. This helps me in the long term to feel more able to take a step back when I need to, physically or emotionally.”
Practice self-care
Caring for someone with a chronic condition can be challenging for loved ones, too. They may feel helpless and wish they could do more for them. It may feel distressing to see someone who is experiencing pain or other symptoms.
Be mindful of this and take time to manage these feelings, seeking support if necessary. Remember that even if simply being there for someone does not feel like enough, it can still make a significant difference.
Practical help can improve a person’s quality of life. However, not everyone with a chronic condition needs or wants it, so it is important to follow their lead. Do:
Ask what would help
Sometimes the easiest way to learn what a person wants in terms of support is simply to ask. For example, a person can ask, “What would help right now?” or “Is there anything I can do?”
If a person has a caregiver who makes decisions for them, a person can ask them.
Lorenzo’s story
“I can spot when she’s feeling dizzy and act accordingly, and over time, I’ve learned little cues that suggest a flare-up is coming. This means I can prepare her for this as well as myself, and I can rearrange our calendar, chores, and even diet to help the flare-up settle down as quickly as possible.”
Make specific offers
Offering to do specific tasks provides people with a simple “yes or no” question to answer, which may be helpful if they are unsure what to ask for or feel uncomfortable doing so.
For example, a person could offer to:
- drive them to appointments
- make frozen meals
- keep them company at specific times
- help look after pets or children
- go out to social activities with them once a week
- pick up prescriptions or set up automatic deliveries
Katy’s story
“Sometimes, there isn’t a lot of ‘practical’ help he can do. He can’t stop the challenges or make it so I’ll never suffer again, sadly!
But he can do small things, like make sure I always have an escape in every situation to retreat — not only one that exists, but one I feel comfortable taking. An example of this would be standing up for me in social situations if I need to leave early, or finding me a chair if I need to sit down.”
Respect their wishes
Some people feel guilty or embarrassed about accepting help. If they say “no,” respect their wishes.
Instead, people can ask if there is something else they would like or let them know the offer still stands in case they change their mind.
Try to avoid:
- Being dismissive: People with chronic conditions can have difficulty being believed by doctors. Do not dismiss or minimize what they say because it seems unlikely or because it sounds worrying. Avoid phrases such as “Everyone gets that sometimes” or “You do not look sick.”
- Giving unsolicited advice: Sometimes people with similar conditions or medical training can offer valuable advice or recommendations for managing a chronic condition. However, not everyone who discusses an illness is necessarily looking for advice. Some advice may even be harmful.
- Toxic positivity: “Toxic positivity” refers to positive sentiments that encourage people to ignore or suppress negative feelings. This can include telling people to look on the bright side, that things could be worse, or that they should cheer up. While well intentioned, this approach can make people feel they should hide their condition or emotions.
- Treating them differently: While chronic conditions can be life changing, the people who have them are still individuals with their own personalities. Keep the whole person in mind, not just their illness.
- Unrealistic expectations: Chronic conditions may mean a person responds less quickly to messages, cancels plans more often, or cannot do the same things they once did, even with support. Remember that this is not personal. They may care deeply about the relationship but need more time, patience, or rest than others.
Katy’s story
“If I am having a flare-up or a bad day with my symptoms, some people will attribute that to certain lifestyle choices (maybe you didn’t sleep well last night, maybe it was something you ate, etc.).
Despite lifestyle changes being a huge factor in the management of many chronic conditions, thinking this plainly is inaccurate and can mean the person with the condition feels guilt or even that they’ve brought the bad health upon themselves.”
Supporting people with a chronic condition can look different from case to case, but the starting point is listening and empathy.
Learn about the person’s condition and how it affects them as an individual. This may give someone ideas for how to support them, whether emotionally or practically.
It is also important for loved ones and caregivers to look after themselves. If they are struggling, they can speak with a mental health professional or support organization for advice.